Home » Iluy Neshama Pillar » Jewish Mourning Practices in the Year of Mourning

Honoring Your
Loved One in the
Year of Mourning
Jewish year of mourning traditions give you a way to honor your parents in the first year after their passing. Learn how the year of mourning traditions are deeply meaningful to your parent’s soul.
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What is the Jewish Year of Mourning?
A Jewish mourner follows different stages in the Jewish timeline of mourning. When someone loses an immediate family member, they observe shivah, seven days of mourning, immediately following death, and then shloshim, a mourning period that lasts until 30 days after death.
However, when someone’s parent passes away, the mourning is intensified, and there is an additional mourning period. The mourning practices for a parent lasts for a full year after the death. Until the first yahrzeit (Jewish death anniversary), a mourner who has lost a parent will follow the laws of mourning for parents. These laws include not partaking in weddings and other joyous public events, not shaving, not buying new clothing, and perhaps most significantly, saying Kaddish for eleven months after the passing of one’s parent.
Why do children mourn for a full year? The Jewish timeline of mourning has many layers of significance. Many who have observed the Jewish process of mourning describe how these specific stages allowed them to transition from deep grief to a place of healing. According to this, the reason that children mourn longer is because the grief upon losing a parent is so much deeper than that upon the loss of other family members.
However, there is another factor that influences the Jewish mourning time periods, and that is a focus on honoring and benefiting the deceased. Children have the greatest debt of gratitude to their parents. Therefore, while other family members are concerned with honoring and commemorating the deceased for only thirty days, children continue to devote themselves to bringing their parents merit for a full year after the parent’s death.
These stages of mourning are also correlated with the experience of the departed, whose soul is called for judgment in Heaven during the periods following death. Being mindful of how actions done in this world have an impact on the departed in the Next World brings a new level of meaning to the laws of mourning for parents.
Jewish Year of Mourning Traditions to Honor the Deceased
Like the other time periods in the timeline of Jewish mourning, the first year of mourning for parents is full of traditions and customs. These customs both allow a person to process the loss of a parent in the most comforting way, as well as affording the child a unique opportunity to give back to his parent in an unprecedented way.
After the death of a parent, you may be deeply missing their presence in your life. There’s a special parent-child connection that never goes away, and you may be searching for a way to bring your mother or father back in some form. The good news is that the Jewish year of mourning traditions allow you to keep up the connection in a way that is truly meaningful to your parent.
When a parent passes on, you may wonder what their soul experiences after leaving the body. While we can’t fully know what the experience of a departed soul is like, as it is removed from our understanding of the physical world, there are Jewish sources that describe what happens immediately after death.
After a person passes on, his soul is drawn upward towards Heaven, towards the light of Hashem that only a soul can fully experience. While this light is amazingly sweet and pleasurable, this new existence is also often frightening for the soul, who isn’t used to purely spiritual experiences. Therefore, the soul looks for something familiar, and since the physical world is most familiar to it, it’s drawn back to the physical world.
For the duration of the mourning time periods, the soul keeps being drawn back to this world, as it acclimates to an existence without a body. The soul returns most often during shivah, and less during shloshim. It takes a full year until the soul completes its ascension to Heaven and remains there, finally at peace. This is also when children complete the halachic mourning process.
Judgment for the Soul and the Laws of Mourning for Parents
The above is a basic description of the soul’s journey after death, but you may have heard about other concepts, such as the judgment that a soul undergoes after death, and the idea of reward and punishment in Heaven. We can’t fully understand these concepts, but the descriptions in Jewish sources can help us gain a better picture of what this may be like.
After a person passes on, he gains a sudden clarity on what he could have accomplished in this world. All his potential is revealed to him, and he feels a deep sense of regret over all the good deeds he could have done, but didn’t. This is true even for those who did accomplish much good in their lives, because they now realize what more was within their ability to do.
To compound this feeling of terrible regret, the soul, as a purely spiritual entity, is now exposed to the intense light of Hashem. The soul stands before its Creator, and realizes that Hashem knows everything that it did in its life, and everything it could have done, but failed to do. This is the Divine judgment, as the soul’s life is evaluated and all its actions, both good and bad, are examined.
The soul’s realization that it can no longer fix its mistakes is deeply painful, and the pain is felt most strongly immediately after death. Children of the departed, who are the closest family members, will share in this pain of judgment most, and so they observe the mourning practices to express this.
A soul’s judgment period lasts throughout shivah, and continues through shloshim, so children fulfill the Jewish mourning customs for the entire 30-day period. These customs allow them to grieve together with their departed parent. Some of the Jewish death rituals during this time also provide merit for the parent, to comfort the departed soul with the knowledge that they can continue to achieve good through the children they left behind in this world.
Reward and Punishment in the Year of Mourning
If a person’s deeds and actions throughout his lifetime were completely pure, free of any sin or wrongdoing, then, as a pure soul, he is immediately drawn to Hashem’s light, rising to the highest place in Heaven that is closest to Hashem’s light.
However, if, as the deeds are reviewed, some sins and wrongdoings come up, these sins and wrongdoings serve as a barrier between the soul and Hashem’s light. This barrier prevents a soul from achieving his greatest desire and utmost pleasure – to come as close as possible to Hashem’s light.
To overcome this barrier, the soul will undergo a purifying process, which we call “punishment.” The nature of this punishment isn’t like anything we are used to in this world. Jewish sources describe it as the overwhelming shame a person experiences for his wrongdoings. It’s also described as the terrible pain of being distant from the great light of Hashem, which is the greatest punishment for the soul.
This punishment for wrongdoings that the soul undergoes will last as long as necessary to remove the barrier that stands between him and the light of his Creator. But Hashem’s kindness is great, and therefore, the longest time period that this punishment can last is up until one full year.
After this time of punishment, the soul can now enter the inner realms of closeness to Hashem’s light. This closeness is the ultimate pleasure, which is its reward for all the good deeds it did in its lifetime.
Now that the soul no longer experiences any pain, the children complete their mourning as well, knowing that their parent’s soul is now fully at peace.
Mourner’s Kaddish in the Year of Mourning
One of the greatest merits a child can give his departed parent is the gift of reciting Kaddish three times daily, in the presence of a minyan (ten adult Jewish men). The words of Kaddish are words of praise for Hashem. By reciting these words in the public forum of a minyan, the child brings glory to Hashem’s name. This act is the ultimate merit, and it has the power to mitigate the pain of a soul’s punishment.
Every time a child recites the Mourner’s Kaddish in the Year of Mourning for his parent, he helps chip away at the barrier between his parent’s soul and Hashem’s light. The merit of these holy words helps his parent’s soul rise higher, closer to Hashem, and takes away the pain of punishment that it may be undergoing during the year after death.
While the purification process of punishment may last as much as a full year, as mentioned, the recital of Kaddish is only obligatory until eleven months. This shortened time frame expresses the certainty that your parent’s soul doesn’t need to undergo the maximum punishment, and that his punishment is over at an earlier point.
The obligation to help one’s parent in this way and recite the mourner’s Kaddish can also be fulfilled through paying a worthy Jew to recite the Kaddish in one’s stead. This also gives the parent the merit of giving charity in their honor, as the money goes to support a fellow Jew.
Mishnayos for Mourners in the First Year of Mourning
There’s an even greater merit a child can give his departed parent than that of Kaddish, and this gift is the merit of Torah learning, specifically the study of mishnayos. When a child learns mishnayos or arranges for mishnayos to be learned during the first year of mourning, it’s as if the parent himself is doing the mitzvah (good deed) of Torah learning, and the parent is rewarded accordingly.
In fact, learning mishnayos for mourners is such a great merit that it can save a person’s soul from the purification it needs to undergo in order to enter the inner realm of reward. Jewish sages tell us that Asher ben Yaakov, who was one of the Twelve Tribes, is the appointed official on Mishnayos in Heaven. It’s described how Asher ben Yaakov waits at the entrance to the inner realm of reward and allows any departed soul who learned mishnayos in its lifetime to immediately enter, saving them from the process of purification. This description is written to tell us how powerful the merit of learning mishnayos is to elevate the departed soul.
The custom is to try to complete all of the Mishnah in the memory of the departed throughout the first year of mourning, until the first yahrzeit. If you cannot achieve this goal on your own, you can ask others to learn mishnayos as well, or pay for Torah scholars to learn mishnayos in your parent’s memory.
Commemorate a Loved One with RMBH Memorial Services
- Sign up for Kaddish Prayer Services
- Get Mishnayos Learning for a Shloshim or Yahrzeit
- Schedule a visit to a grave in Israel on your behalf
- Request other memorial services (prayer, Tehillim recital, and more)
Request RMBH Memorial Services
Commemorate a Loved One with RMBH Memorial Services
- Sign up for Kaddish Prayer Services
- Get Mishnayos Learning for a Shloshim or Yahrzeit
- Schedule a visit to a grave in Israel on your behalf
- Request other memorial services (prayer, Tehillim recital, and more)
Request RMBH Memorial Services
Other Customs in the First Year of Mourning
Aside from the customs of reciting Kaddish and learning mishnayos, there are other customs that a child fulfills in the year of
mourning with the specific goal of bringing merit to his parent’s soul. Here is an overview of these customs.
The following two customs pertain specifically to sons of the
Leading the Prayer
Being the one to lead the daily prayers in shul (synagogue) allows a child to recite Kaddish more often, and is a great merit on its own as well.
Receiving Aliyos
A child should try to get aliyos (be called up to the Torah) during the year of mourning. It is considered a merit for one’s parent when their child is called up to the Torah during the Torah reading.
The following two customs can be observed by anyone close to the departed:
Lighting Candles
Many have the custom to keep a candle lit in the memory of a departed parent throughout the first year
Giving CharityOne should give charity before the morning and afternoon prayers every day, as performing good deeds is a great merit for departed soul.
RMBH Mourning Services in the First Year of Mourning
To help you grant your parent’s soul the greatest merits, RMBH offers memorial services throughout the first year of mourning. Whether you want a Torah scholar in Israel to recite Kaddish, light a candle, or learn Mishnayos in your loved one’s memory, you can arrange it with RMBH memorial services.
When you pay for RMBH’s memorial services, you provide a double merit to the deceased, as you gain both the merit of giving charity to Torah scholars as well as the specific merit of the mourning service arranged. Honor your parents by giving them the ultimate merits and helping their soul be elevated to the highest realm.
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Our reach extends from aiding sick patients in hospitals to assisting impoverished new mothers, struggling brides, and
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