What is the Shidduch Crisis?
The simplest definition of the popular term, “shidduch crisis,” is frum singles having a hard time finding their match even after years of being in shidduchim. There are many girls and boys who remain single despite trying very hard to find their basherte zivug (pre-ordained match) and get married.
There are many ideas surrounding what the shidduch crisis is all about and what the cause of this predicament is. Some people say that the shidduch crisis is that there are too many single girls for the amount of single boys, some say that the shidduch crisis is that there aren’t enough shadchanim in the community helping singles get married.
Understanding the possible causes for the shidduch crisis will give you a better idea of what it is all about.
Practical Solutions to the Shidduch Crisis
For the Girl’s Side
As a single girl, hearing talk about the shidduch crisis can leave you feeling panicky. It’s scary to think that there are so many girls that
you won’t even be considered as a potential shidduch. This feeling can be even more pronounced when you do, in fact, wait a long time
between shidduch suggestions and dates.
In fact, while it may be true that there are more girls available in your circles than boys, Hashem has already prepared your basherte zivug for you before you were born. Getting less suggestions or going on less dates doesn’t necessarily mean that it will take you longer to find your shidduch. You only need one Mr. Right.
The best thing to do when faced with anxiety-producing doomsayers is to arm yourself with positive attitudes, tefillah, and bitachon in shidduch dating perspectives. Think of ways to remind yourself that Hashem is in charge of sending your bashert, such as saying the tefillah for zivug every day, or giving a daily donation to tzedakah. Staying calm will help you make the best decision about whom to marry, instead of being influenced by the idea that if you say no to someone who isn’t right for you, there will be no one left for you to marry.
Knowing when to say no and when to say yes (!) is something you want to be able to do with clarity. Although it’s never fair to accuse a single person of being picky, you want to know that if someone puts that label on you, it is definitely not true.
Therefore, before even starting to date, you want to get very clear on your biggest priorities and values. You want to know what is most important to you in a marriage relationship, and make your decisions with this clarity in mind. If you want another’s insight on what is truly important, find someone you trust, whether an official dating coach or someone else in your life, who can help you keep your core priorities in focus.
Once you’ve clarified your core priorities, you’ll be able to be more open-minded about different types of suggestions that come your way, as you evaluate whether a potential shidduch aligns with your core values. Not putting an emphasis on externals that aren’t really a priority helps you be able to focus on the really important things.
Another mindset that’s crucial when you’re a single girl in a shidduch crisis minded world, is to never compare yourself to others. Comparing yourself to the amount of suggestions and dates that other singles get really makes little difference in the end of the story. Always remind yourself that you’re looking for just one person, so amounts don’t matter.
The bottom line is to keep your chin up through remembering how amazing you are. Remind yourself how lucky your Mr. Right will be when he finds you, b’ezras Hashem, shidduch crisis or no shidduch crisis.
For Parents in Shidduchim
The Real Solution to the Shidduch Crisis
Hashem is the One Who is mezaveg zivugim (brings couples together). In fact, the Gemara mentions the story of a tzaddik who, when asked what Hashem has been doing since Creation, replied that Hashem is always busy bringing couples together. While of course this doesn’t take time for Hashem to do, shidduchim and bringing couples together is so important that Hashem Himself puts focus on it (so to speak), as the tzaddik said. The best way to deal with the shidduch crisis, then, is to appeal to the Master Shadchan.
Whether you are involved in shidduchim as a single or a parent, or you are simply a member of Klal Yisrael, davening and gathering zechusim (merits) for shidduchim to come to fruition, these are the best types of hishtadlus we can do towards solving the shidduch crisis. Tefillah and bitachon in shidduch dating are our most powerful tools against any shidduch crisis.
In addition, it is always a powerful zechus (merit) to do for others, as by doing chesed we emulate Hashem and become more worthy of His chesed in return.
For a single, this might mean davening for another single friend who is also in need of a shidduch. Davening for another is a proven segulah for finding one’s own shidduch.
Giving tzedakah is another form of chessed that can be done by anyone as a zechus for a yeshuah in shidduchim. One popular way to do this is by sponsoring a poor bride’s wedding.
Others prefer to give a daily donation, sometimes before davening, so that their tefillos have extra weight. RMBH Charities offers both of these donation options as a segulah for shidduchim, giving the tzedaka money to the poor in Eretz Yisrael who need it most.
Donate now for a powerful zechus that can help bring many yeshuos in shidduchim and bring a real solution to the shidduch crisis.