As you or your child enters shidduchim, you may hear a lot about a shidduch crisis in the frum community. Find out more about what the shidduch crisis is and what can be done about it.
What is the Shidduch Crisis?
The simplest definition of the popular term, “shidduch crisis,” is frum singles having a hard time finding their match even after years of being in shidduchim. There are many girls and boys who remain single despite trying very hard to find their basherte zivug (pre-ordained match) and get married.
There are many ideas surrounding what the shidduch crisis is all about and what the cause of this predicament is. Some people say that the shidduch crisis is that there are too many single girls for the amount of single boys, some say that the shidduch crisis is that there aren’t enough shadchanim in the community helping singles get married.
Understanding the possible causes for the shidduch crisis will give you a better idea of what it is all about.
Causes of the Shidduch Crisis
Why is it so hard for singles to find shidduchim? There are many possible reasons. Here are a few popular causes for the shidduch crisis that you’ll hear mentioned.
The Age-Gap Calculation
Many feel that the main challenge frum singles face as they enter shidduchim is the fact that there aren’t enough single boys to match the many single girls. This leads to the girls not getting enough suggestions or dates, and the boys getting way too many suggestions or dates to know whom to consider first.
These people feel that the cause of the shidduch crisis in the Yeshiva Orthodox world is a simple mathematical calculation. Most bachurim in Litvish (non-Chassidic) yeshivos start shidduchim and dating at the age of 23. Most Litvish girls start shidduchim and dating at the age of 19. That leaves a four-year age gap between the boys and the girls.
Age gap is a problem, because the frum population increases in size every year. Nursery classes are always bigger than first-grade classes. Therefore, the 19-year-old class of girls will have far more singles graduating than the 23-year-old class of boys. This might leave many girls without a possible match.
Values in Shidduchim
Another possible cause for the shidduch crisis is that singles are not sure what they are looking for. Or, they have unrealistic expectations and can’t seem to find what they are looking for in any of their dates. Some singles claim that those of the opposite gender are simply too picky, or that they have skewed priorities.
Many experts say that this is the cause of so many staying single, as they aren’t truly clear on what will make a good marriage.
Not Enough Shidduchim
A common belief is that there are too few shadchanim redting (suggesting) shidduchim to singles, and therefore, many of them feel that they are on their own in looking for a shidduch. Anyone can be a shadchan, but not enough people are taking the time to redt a shidduch to their friends and acquaintances.
Practical Solutions to the Shidduch Crisis
What you can personally do to deal with the shidduch crisis depends on what your role in shidduchim is at the moment. Both parents, singles, and outsiders can help the situation improve.
Before taking practical steps, it’s important to remember that Hashem is the One Who makes shidduchim. Therefore, the real solution to the shidduch crisis is to daven and gather zechusim (merits) for all singles who are having difficulties.
But there are also other forms of hishtadlus (efforts) that every person who knows what the Jewish shidduch dating world is all about can do, whether currently involved or not.
For the Girl’s Side
As a single girl, hearing talk about the shidduch crisis can leave you feeling panicky. It’s scary to think that there are so many girls that
you won’t even be considered as a potential shidduch. This feeling can be even more pronounced when you do, in fact, wait a long time
between shidduch suggestions and dates.
In fact, while it may be true that there are more girls available in your circles than boys, Hashem has already prepared your basherte zivug for you before you were born. Getting less suggestions or going on less dates doesn’t necessarily mean that it will take you longer to find your shidduch. You only need one Mr. Right.
The best thing to do when faced with anxiety-producing doomsayers is to arm yourself with positive attitudes, tefillah, and bitachon in shidduch dating perspectives. Think of ways to remind yourself that Hashem is in charge of sending your bashert, such as saying the tefillah for zivug every day, or giving a daily donation to tzedakah. Staying calm will help you make the best decision about whom to marry, instead of being influenced by the idea that if you say no to someone who isn’t right for you, there will be no one left for you to marry.
Knowing when to say no and when to say yes (!) is something you want to be able to do with clarity. Although it’s never fair to accuse a single person of being picky, you want to know that if someone puts that label on you, it is definitely not true.
Therefore, before even starting to date, you want to get very clear on your biggest priorities and values. You want to know what is most important to you in a marriage relationship, and make your decisions with this clarity in mind. If you want another’s insight on what is truly important, find someone you trust, whether an official dating coach or someone else in your life, who can help you keep your core priorities in focus.
Once you’ve clarified your core priorities, you’ll be able to be more open-minded about different types of suggestions that come your way, as you evaluate whether a potential shidduch aligns with your core values. Not putting an emphasis on externals that aren’t really a priority helps you be able to focus on the really important things.
Another mindset that’s crucial when you’re a single girl in a shidduch crisis minded world, is to never compare yourself to others. Comparing yourself to the amount of suggestions and dates that other singles get really makes little difference in the end of the story. Always remind yourself that you’re looking for just one person, so amounts don’t matter.
The bottom line is to keep your chin up through remembering how amazing you are. Remind yourself how lucky your Mr. Right will be when he finds you, b’ezras Hashem, shidduch crisis or no shidduch crisis.
For the Boy’s Side
Many shidduch initiatives suggest that in a society where there is an age gap between girls and boys in shidduchim, boys should consider starting
shidduchim earlier. Many Roshei Yeshiva, when asked about their students starting shidduchim at age 21, will give their go-ahead to the boy to do so.
For societies where boys traditionally started shidduchim at age 23, this narrows the frum singles age gap by two years.
There is also a strong initiative for boys to first date girls that are closer to their age. Dating a 23-year-old girl instead of a 19-year-old girl eliminates the age gap. Instead of first focusing on the younger girls, boys are encouraged to focus on investigating and dating older girls first.
If you are a boy in a society where there seem to be more girls available than boys, you may be getting so many suggestions that it’s hard to know which shidduch to focus on first. It’s easy to get carried away by the externals of a shidduch, by the resume and the profile picture that don’t really tell you much about whether a girl would make a good wife or not.
Before starting shidduchim, therefore, you will want to get clear on what your true priorities for marriage are, and evaluate the suggestions that come your way with this in mind.
Many single boys who have already spent years in shidduchim feel that because the shidduch crisis focuses heavily on the fact that there are too many girls, nobody talks about the single boys in shidduchim who may in fact be having a hard time as well. Going on a lot of dates is not always encouraging. It can even be demoralizing when you feel that it’s just impossible to find the right one. Sometimes, it confuses you to think about so many people and untangle what is right for you and what is not.
Keeping in mind your priorities and remembering that the right one is waiting for you, can help you keep going as you navigate the shidduch maze.
For Parents in Shidduchim
As the parent of a girl or a boy in shidduchim, encourage your child to identify clear marriage goals and priorities. Discussing what
is truly important to make a marriage strong, and guiding your child in choosing the right values in shidduchim to focus on may be
the greatest marriage gift you give your child. If your child is anxious about finding the right match because of the shidduch crisis, or because of other shidduch stories they hear, your own mindset can influence them as well. When parents are calm and patient about their child’s shidduchim, that helps their child feel that way as well. Remember that your child needs only one right match. Have confidence in your child that they will make a great spouse for their zivug, and trust Hashem’s timing to send their shidduch in the proper time.
For Anyone Worried about the Shidduch Crisis
Whatever the causes of the shidduch crisis are, there are definitely many singles experiencing pain while they are in shidduchim. As an outsider looking on, you too, can be of help.
Much of the difficulty that singles experience in shidduchim is the feeling that people have forgotten about them when they don’t receive shidduch suggestions. It is a tremendous mitzvah and a chesed (kindness) to redt a shidduch, as that makes the singles involved feel that you are thinking about them and care about them.
You never know if your suggestion may be just the one to bring a couple together. There are many, many shidduchim that are made by people who are not considered official shadchanim at all. You always have a chance at success, and the possibility of that success can empower you to feel that the investment of your effort is definitely worthwhile.
However, be careful not to hurt anyone while trying to help them. If you don’t have any experience being a shadchan, it’s worthwhile getting a bit of guidance to know what to say and what not to say. Alternatively, you can pass on a single’s resume to a shadchan you know, along with the name of the shidduch you would like to redt. Getting the single onto another shadchan list is a favor in itself.
As an outsider to the shidduch crisis, be careful not to exacerbate the problem by adding fuel to the anxiety fire. Just hearing the words, “shidduch crisis,” puts many frum singles on edge. Unless there is something practical to do or discuss in terms of helping people in shidduchim, it’s better not to make the shidduch crisis a source of hysteria. As sefarim tell us, Hashem has a shidduch prepared for every child from forty days before they are born. Never make a single person feel that marriage is out of their reach for any reason, even when you feel you are trying to help them.
The Real Solution to the Shidduch Crisis
Hashem is the One Who is mezaveg zivugim (brings couples together). In fact, the Gemara mentions the story of a tzaddik who, when asked what Hashem has been doing since Creation, replied that Hashem is always busy bringing couples together. While of course this doesn’t take time for Hashem to do, shidduchim and bringing couples together is so important that Hashem Himself puts focus on it (so to speak), as the tzaddik said. The best way to deal with the shidduch crisis, then, is to appeal to the Master Shadchan.
Whether you are involved in shidduchim as a single or a parent, or you are simply a member of Klal Yisrael, davening and gathering zechusim (merits) for shidduchim to come to fruition, these are the best types of hishtadlus we can do towards solving the shidduch crisis. Tefillah and bitachon in shidduch dating are our most powerful tools against any shidduch crisis.
In addition, it is always a powerful zechus (merit) to do for others, as by doing chesed we emulate Hashem and become more worthy of His chesed in return.
For a single, this might mean davening for another single friend who is also in need of a shidduch. Davening for another is a proven segulah for finding one’s own shidduch.
Giving tzedakah is another form of chessed that can be done by anyone as a zechus for a yeshuah in shidduchim. One popular way to do this is by sponsoring a poor bride’s wedding.
Others prefer to give a daily donation, sometimes before davening, so that their tefillos have extra weight. RMBH Charities offers both of these donation options as a segulah for shidduchim, giving the tzedaka money to the poor in Eretz Yisrael who need it most.
Donate now for a powerful zechus that can help bring many yeshuos in shidduchim and bring a real solution to the shidduch crisis.
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