You can enjoy and even grow from the process of looking for your bashert. Find out how to harness this time of shidduch dating to its fullest through preparation and spiritual efforts.
Practical Tips for the Shidduchim Process
When you enter the stage of looking for your bashert (pre-ordained) shidduch, it may seem that everything you do as part of the shidduchim process is just a means to the end goal of getting married. But although getting married is the ultimate goal of the shidduchim process, approaching this time with the right attitudes and using the time wisely can give a whole new meaning to shidduchim, and enrich your current and future life as well.
The practical part of shidduchim is a multifaceted process, with many unwritten rules to the system. When you’re looking for the person with whom you want to build a future, it isn’t surprising that the process of finding him or her can occupy much of your time and thought.
Here are some practical tips for preparing yourself for the stage of shidduchim with confidence and clarity.
Preparation Makes All the Difference
Present your Best Self
Give yourself the best chance at making great first impressions, as we know that there’s never a second chance for a first impression.
Begin by preparing a shidduch resume. You’ll feel more confident about meeting a shadchan when you know that you have a clear shidduch resume that presents your best self. It’s important to make sure that you have a neat shidduch resume template and that the information presented gives a positive impression.
Presenting yourself well on the actual shidduch date is also important. Dressing in a way that makes you feel confident is very helpful when it comes to dating, just as it does any time you are meeting new people. Whether it’s a formal-attire date or a more casual venue, show that this date is important to you by dressing with care.
Get Educated and Find Support
Navigating shidduchim, meaning talking to shadchanim and following up, or using shidduch dating websites, has its challenges just like every stage of life. Whether your shidduch experience includes a supportive network or not, accessing resources for being shidduchim can be very helpful.
The more comfortable you are with the shidduch process, the easier it is to enjoy this time instead of finding it taxing. Educating yourself as best as possible about norms in shidduchim and getting support from others will help you feel that it’s not a maze but a clearly marked path.
There are many resources and frum dating websites with shidduchim tips that you can take advantage of which will help you become more educated and equipped to deal with the shidduch dating system:
- Listen to educational audio recordings like those on nasishidduch.com, or to support podcasts like Nobody Talks Shidduchim.
- Read books about being in shidduchim. (See here for a list of recommended titles.)
- To get specific, tailored-to-you advice and help, consulting a dating coach can be extremely helpful. You can do research on a shadchan website, or look for a shidduch coach near you. For free coaching from a highly respected coach, contact e.gartenhaus@live.com.
Invest in Yourself
Because finding a shidduch is about who you yourself are, use this time to invest in yourself. Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Know your values and what’s important to you, so that you can represent yourself with confidence, while also being more sure about your shidduch decisions.
Aside from getting to know your present self, you can also use this time to grow and become your very best self. Whether that means joining a weekly Shiur or learning a sefer together with a friend, putting time into your personal growth is very productive, and can also be a zechus (merit for you to receive your yeshuah (salvation) and find your bashert (pre-ordained match).
Because you may have less responsibilities while you are single, it’s a great time to take opportunities you wouldn’t have if you were already married. That might mean taking a course, going for another degree, or spending time developing deeper friendships. Whatever it is that will add meaning and fulfillment to your life, take the time to invest in it now.
How to Decrease the Stress of Looking for a Shidduch
Every person’s experience in shidduchim is different. Some singles find every date to be anxiety-inducing and have a very hard time with their single status, while others take the shidduch process in stride.
Ask a Mentor, Trust Your Gut
When you’re looking for a shidduch, there are constant decisions to make. Should you say yes or no to going out? Is what you’re seeing a red flag and should you stop the shidduch? This continues with every prospective shidduch that comes up.
Often, you’ll have many people in your life with different opinions who are eager to dispense their advice. This makes it even harder for you to make a decision, as now you have several opinions to consider aside from your own. And if the people giving you advice are the kind of people who like to tell horror shidduch stories or threaten you with losing your bashert, then their advice can become emotionally stressful.
But when you make a decision, you’re the one who has to feel comfortable with it. It’s important that you be in touch with your feelings and take them into account as you make decisions, trusting your gut for what feels right to you.
It’s also important to have a mentor, whether it is a dating coach or a trusted shidduch adviser, who will help you check if your feelings are leading you in the right direction. Have a shidduch coach to consult with who will make sure you have the correct outlook that is consistent with the Torah perspective on dating, while trusting your gut feelings. This will help you make better decisions with more clarity.
Feel your Feelings
Letting yourself experience whatever it is that’s happening is a way for you to process your feelings, so that you can ultimately let them go. Rejection hurts, sometimes terribly, and can come your way far too often when you’re in the middle of shidduch dating. Feeling like you’re constantly being judged can take its toll on anyone. And there are so many more levels of pain and loneliness you may feel at being single.
These feelings are real, and there’s no reason to pretend you don’t feel them. You can let yourself feel them all the way. For some, it’s also very helpful to speak to other people about what they’re going through, if you have friends or family that will be supportive and understanding. Both self-validation and the validation of others can be valuable in being able to let go of hurt and keep your chin up as you look for your shidduch.
Know it’s Just a Sign
When a shidduch doesn’t work out, especially when the other side says no, it can be demoralizing. It feels very personal to be rejected, even more so if it’s by someone you’ve seen a couple of times, or if you were interested in continuing to meet.
Knowing that your bashert is still out there waiting for you means that this rejection is simply a sign. It’s a sign from Hashem that this person is not your bashert, and that marrying him or her would not have been a good thing for you. Even if it still hurts, remembering that it’s just a sign that it’s not for you can make it feel less like a personal rejection.
Do Hishtadlus that Feels Right to You
There are a lot of actions you can take in the realm of hishtadlus (putting forth effort) to increase your chances of finding your bashert. Investing effort towards finding your shidduch and getting married is actually a mitzvah. Because getting married is a mitzvah, all the effort you put in to be able to do that mitzvah is a mitzvah as well. Just remembering this can be an empowering thought as well.
When you’re waiting for your bashert to arrive, and it seems to be taking some time, you might consider investing effort into any of the following steps.
- Stay in touch with shadchanim
- Post your profile
- Attend a singles’ event
Spiritual Hishtadlus is Hishtadlus as Well
If you find segulos for a shidduch meaningful, or saying Tehillim for shidduchim uplifting, many sefarim say that these are considered hishtadlus just the same as physical effort is. Choose the form of hishtadlus that feels most right for you.
There are many segulos (propitious traditions) and zechusim (merits) you can undertake that are specifically powerful for shidduchim.
- Davening is a powerful form of hishtadlus. It’s never too early to start saying a tefillah every day to find your zivug (pre-ordained match) speedily. See a special tefillah for zivug right here.
- A segulah for marriage is to be involved in learning more Torah and in doing mitzvos in the best way possible. This is because ultimately, you are now laying the foundation for your future home. If you are busy with good things now, your future home will be built on this wonderful foundation, and that serves as a reason for you to merit building that home more quickly.
- Strengthening your bitachon (reliance on Hashem) is a powerful zechus to merit finding your bashert. Trusting that Hashem has something wonderful in store for you brings you to a new level where you are actually more worthy of the bracha that’s waiting for you.
- You can say tehillim for shidduchim, especially those that are specifically considered tehillim for shidduch zechusim. One such perek is Perek 121, which should be said in the concluding paragraph of Shemoneh Esrei.
- There are many powerful segulos for a shidduch that have been mentioned in Jewish sources, such as davening at the Kosel for 40 consecutive days, the segulah of davening in Amukah (at the kever of R’ Yonasan ben Uziel), and that of changing your name. Ask your rav if these are right for you.
- Many sefarim mention giving tzedakah regularly as a segulah for a yeshuah in shidduchim. Another way to give tzedakah for a shidduch is to donate just before each date as a zechus that it goes well.
RMBH makes it easy to give these kinds of donations to the people who need it most, supporting poor families in Israel who appreciate every dollar they receive. You can access the option of setting up a recurring daily donation, so that you know you have this daily merit accompanying your everyday shidduchim efforts. You can also donate specifically as a merit for a shidduch date. - Selflessly doing chessed for others despite your own pain is a great zechus for a yeshuah, as you make yourself a vessel for bracha even if you don’t deserve it through your own merits. Specifically, davening for others with the same struggle as you is a segulah to have your need answered first.
Similarly, many singles have seen a yeshuah specifically through sponsoring a poor kallah’s wedding, as a zechus that they reach that stage themselves.
Connect to the Ultimate Source Through Shidduchim
What is so special about tefillah, bitachon, and tzedakah as a form of hishtadlus in finding your bashert is that they can be extremely empowering. Doing segulos for shidduchim can remind you Who is truly in charge. Getting that reminder that Hashem knows exactly where your zivug is and that He is the One who will bring the two of you together will bring you reassurance as you continue to await your yeshuah, hopefully very soon.
