Practical Tips for the Shidduchim Process
When you enter the stage of looking for your bashert (pre-ordained) shidduch, it may seem that everything you do as part of the shidduchim process is just a means to the end goal of getting married. But although getting married is the ultimate goal of the shidduchim process, approaching this time with the right attitudes and using the time wisely can give a whole new meaning to shidduchim, and enrich your current and future life as well.
The practical part of shidduchim is a multifaceted process, with many unwritten rules to the system. When you’re looking for the person with whom you want to build a future, it isn’t surprising that the process of finding him or her can occupy much of your time and thought.
Here are some practical tips for preparing yourself for the stage of shidduchim with confidence and clarity.
How to Decrease the Stress of Looking for a Shidduch
Every person’s experience in shidduchim is different. Some singles find every date to be anxiety-inducing and have a very hard time with their single status, while others take the shidduch process in stride.
Ask a Mentor, Trust Your Gut
When you’re looking for a shidduch, there are constant decisions to make. Should you say yes or no to going out? Is what you’re seeing a red flag and should you stop the shidduch? This continues with every prospective shidduch that comes up.
Often, you’ll have many people in your life with different opinions who are eager to dispense their advice. This makes it even harder for you to make a decision, as now you have several opinions to consider aside from your own. And if the people giving you advice are the kind of people who like to tell horror shidduch stories or threaten you with losing your bashert, then their advice can become emotionally stressful.
But when you make a decision, you’re the one who has to feel comfortable with it. It’s important that you be in touch with your feelings and take them into account as you make decisions, trusting your gut for what feels right to you.
It’s also important to have a mentor, whether it is a dating coach or a trusted shidduch adviser, who will help you check if your feelings are leading you in the right direction. Have a shidduch coach to consult with who will make sure you have the correct outlook that is consistent with the Torah perspective on dating, while trusting your gut feelings. This will help you make better decisions with more clarity.
Feel your Feelings
Letting yourself experience whatever it is that’s happening is a way for you to process your feelings, so that you can ultimately let them go. Rejection hurts, sometimes terribly, and can come your way far too often when you’re in the middle of shidduch dating. Feeling like you’re constantly being judged can take its toll on anyone. And there are so many more levels of pain and loneliness you may feel at being single.
These feelings are real, and there’s no reason to pretend you don’t feel them. You can let yourself feel them all the way. For some, it’s also very helpful to speak to other people about what they’re going through, if you have friends or family that will be supportive and understanding. Both self-validation and the validation of others can be valuable in being able to let go of hurt and keep your chin up as you look for your shidduch.
Know it’s Just a Sign
When a shidduch doesn’t work out, especially when the other side says no, it can be demoralizing. It feels very personal to be rejected, even more so if it’s by someone you’ve seen a couple of times, or if you were interested in continuing to meet.
Knowing that your bashert is still out there waiting for you means that this rejection is simply a sign. It’s a sign from Hashem that this person is not your bashert, and that marrying him or her would not have been a good thing for you. Even if it still hurts, remembering that it’s just a sign that it’s not for you can make it feel less like a personal rejection.